In a previous post, I infodumped about my special interest in Rage Against the Machine. Since then, I’ve been reflecting a lot on my teen years, as I first got into RATM when I was 13.
It all started in 2004 when my family flew to Australia to visit our relatives. We slept in my older cousin’s bedroom, and he had this massive RATM poster on his wall. I remember being mesmerised by it, often staring at that poster throughout my stay. I thought they looked so cool, and I wanted so badly to learn more about them. At one point, I even overheard my mom telling my dad, “I think Rachel wants a poster like that.” That poster was probably my strongest memory of the Australia trip.
When we got back to Singapore, I borrowed my sister’s iPod and found some RATM songs. Up until then, all I listened to was mainstream pop on the radio, so listening to RATM was like stepping into a whole new world. I was immediately drawn to Zack de la Rocha’s voice. His screaming felt so cathartic to listen to; it captured all the rage I felt inside but didn’t know how to express.
I remember going online to research them, and honestly? My 13-year-old brain was blown away and kind of intimidated by how politically charged they were. In Singapore, people are generally politically apathetic and don’t pay much attention to what’s going on outside our bubble. RATM opened my mind to things I’d never even thought about.
I didn’t really tell anyone except my bestie that they were my favourite band. People saw me as a quiet, “good Christian girl,” and I didn’t think they’d believe that I could appreciate loud, angry music with lots of profanities.
I also thought the guys in RATM must be so different from me. I felt like Zack de la Rocha was everything I wasn’t—badass, outspoken, takes no bullshit, and hella intelligent. Meanwhile, I was a meek young girl who grew up in a Christian household, went to Catholic school, and had been conditioned by conservative Singaporean society to conform and never question authority. Listening to RATM felt dangerous but exciting for me, and I didn’t really get why I was so drawn to them.
On top of that, I had tons of insecurities at the age of 13. I thought I wasn’t smart enough to be a “real” RATM fan. People treated me like I wasn’t intelligent, so I believed them. I felt like I didn’t have the right to dive deeper into their music because I didn’t fully get the politics. So for years, I was more of a casual fan, even though their music resonated with me on a deep level.
Fast forward to this year, when I rediscovered RATM. I started reading up on Zack de la Rocha and watching interviews with him. I was shook when I realised that out of all the musicians I’ve stanned over the years, he actually shares the most similarities with me. After all those years of thinking he was the complete opposite of me, I found out that he struggled with some of the same things I did. He described himself as a “virtual mute” when he was young, just like I was. He spoke in a very soft voice in interviews, just like I do. He had traumatic experiences with religion at a young age, just like I did.
Looking back, it makes me sad that I didn’t give myself the chance to become a bigger fan back then. If I had known more about Zack and the similarities we shared, I wouldn’t have felt so alone, and I could’ve looked up to him as a role model. Maybe that would’ve helped boost my self-esteem when I needed it most.
Still, RATM’s rebellious and unapologetic “fuck you” attitude made a huge impact on me. They taught me it’s okay to question the system and to embrace the anger I’d been taught to repress. They were my gateway to alternative and punk music, leading me to develop a reputation as a “rocker girl” in my later teens. They were instrumental in shaping the person I am today: someone who’s rebellious, unapologetic, takes no bullshit, and unafraid to stand up for what I believe in.